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Field Notes From Mediocrity

Ask me anything   Submit   Morbid pseudo-Socrates/literary darling/petty revolutionary  with a verbosity problem,possibly a mood disorder,and some miserable expectations and wild hopes thrown in too. My name's Maham. I'm from Pakistan. I like politics,history,lit,art and being happy.

Desire is incapable of hypocrisy. A dramatic accusation perhaps , but not one so easily dismissed. Desire , it is said , is the original anarchist and undercover agent. Our petty human natures, with their compound of drives and desires seek to reign over us with an iron fist. But with post-modernism came cynicism (a new measure of intelligence as it were) and a cold , numbing sort of logic settled itself rather uncomfortably into the picture.So by now, Inevitably all questions are answered by two ideologies. The ‘pathetic’ human notions of acting on impulse or the firm and unquestionable logic of the modern rational individual. There’s quite a poetic divide here and the opinions on this are varied and widespread. Arguably , several people seem to think that one is just as dangerous as the other. Whilst primitive instincts or whims may soothe us to some extent , we also have a responsibility to believe in consequences. Once consequences come into the picture our thought trickles rather naturally to logic , that is , acting as circumstances would dictate. What then , beg the romanticists , makes us different from robotic machines ?

I’ll tell you what makes us different , the fact that robots are programmed a certain way and are predictable 100% of the time. The argument of the ‘stunning hammer-blows of conditioning’ does hold ground , but not completely. Yes , there are strict limitations in place because of society , but we haven’t reached Huxley’s test-tube baby world just yet. You may not be able to overcome the corrupt laws that govern the universe , but you can take charge of simple things like sleeping at 3am , or eating chocolate instead of cabbage , or even smiling instead of scowling. There doesn’t have to be a black and white divide of nihilism vs existentialism because in reality we’re all in the uncertain grey area. It is possible to be a cautious , rational individual without being branded as a boring,cold,empty shell of a human being.

— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#lit  #personal  #prose  #existentialism  #nihilism  #writing 

'everyone is a little bit judgmental and don’t try to tell me otherwise. we can’t help it. but that being said, i’m just a small baby. and we are all just small babies. and we grow at different rates and learn at different times and understand the world subjectively, through a lens that no one else will understand. we’ve all experienced our own little hells and our own little heavens. who am i to think myself better than anybody else? i will never know their whole story and they won’t know mine. i like to believe that people are innately good. the circumstances of their lives just change them, give them rougher edges or softer hearts. but no one’s better than another. i had better conversations with homeless people than i have had with some of the people i admire the most. '

— 1 year ago with 3 notes
#lit  #prose  #personal  #yes  #shinji  #shinji moon 

Today somebody vaguely attractive SMIRKED at me.

in the great and overwhelming novelty of the situation i have concluded …

that this smirk was not one of condescension/mockery but of AFFECTION AND DYSFUNCTIONAL LOVE/DESIRE 

— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#personal  #yes  #omgyes  #love  #lol 
"There is real agony and suffering in the world and then there is what the privileged have , and its just funny. Some obscure mix of desire,raw emotion and circumstance makes people wallow in self pity and drag their feet around like glum geniuses. But I suppose it can’t be helped can it ? Fuck it, I should stop trying to think clever things. It is ghastly what your mind comes up with when you’re hungry and sleep-deprived. There are always plenty of un-poetic reasons for things :p"
— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#lit  #prose  #personal 
"Isn’t it awkward and harsh to have to fumble with words in the privacy of your own mind ? To have to shudder and gag to what you’ve become ? It isn’t much to worry about in the worldly sense , but it certainly stabs you a little to know that a gem was willing to care about you - enough to appreciate what you were , the obnoxious vitality of yourself thrust upon them like a death sentence. And you , with your cold little soul gave it but a smile before moving on. I know that asking for honesty is not too much, but it’s rare and lovely when somebody gives you that. And its worse when a long while later the fact smacks you awake. A long while later when all traces of it have turned into ash. My god, I am crazy. I don’t suppose it matters but it does too. I stand by my principle that where the ‘personal’ is concerned no harm can ever come out of truth and sincerity and honesty. So that is what I’m going to be - in love with every little detail of everything and proud to show it. I’m willing to be banal but true. Soggy. That is what we all are where people are concerned. Like a piece of toast that has just been left out in the rain. I think this requires a significant amount of introspection , because what bestial , cruel heart would leave a piece of toast out in the rain in the first place ?"
— 1 year ago with 4 notes
#llit  #prose  #personal  #spilled ink 

I hope you all realize that I’m someone who plays Xbox wearing a headset - even though we don’t have Xbox live. Now this makes sense if you’re playing something badass like Call of Duty or Gears of War or EVEN Skyrim, but the only thing I play is Viva Pinata. So I’m just sort of running around planting crops and pretty flowers , with a mouth piece that makes me feel like I have the power to detonate an air strike. I’m JUST saying.

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#cod  #xbox  #personal 

At about 3am last night , when the electricity decided to leave us , as it so often does in this blessed country , I mustered up the courage to finally write something. I’ve been whinging about my supposed emotional bankruptcy/writers block for a while now , but we all know that it’s just self doubt with a fancy name , so I’ve vowed to change my life again (which , let’s be honest here , I do about thirty times a week). Anyway , I’ve sort of begun a short-story/prose/tiny-novel type thingy which is very muddled up right now , but will make sense and cling together … eventually. The thing is , I’ve reached that pinnacle of existence where I’m no longer afraid to suck , and frankly nobody’s going to see it except tumblr folk , who are the kindest , freakiest strangers I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. What I’ve really been trying to say is , just bear with my ramblings for some time :p 

Lots of twisted oven glove love 

Maham x 

— 2 years ago
#lit  #prose  #personal 
Spontaneous , Reckless , Senseless Ramblings

There’s nothing as unbearable as deliberate silence , like stale air , or like the danger of empty rooms its mere existence is for the purpose of mockery. Lethal yet noiseless, seeping into the contours of our senses which by no means , dare to hold back and accentuate the sentiment to ludicrous extremes.  And it is because of this utterly dysfunctional habit that we are human – it is because of our tremendous capability for self delusion that we manage to keep up.  But oddly enough , I have a soft spot inside of me for delusion , for I welcome it with open arms. Delusion is the everlasting magical filter , the misty veil set before glittering eyes  and I suppose to some extent , a catalyst for creativity.  Delusion is precarious , volatile , unpredictable … and that’s why I’m in love with it.  I don’t like things to be definite, I abhor solidity – I like the relative , I prefer derangement , I long to live in limbo – where time is still , where the world itself pauses in its tilt – because  limbo is awkwardly infinite , and so am I. Adults often say with that smug , conceited grin how teenagers think they’re invincible , but that’s because we are. ‘’Like all other forms of energy we can be neither destroyed nor created’’.  But mostly because adolescence is a wonderful nightmare – and what more apt a place for limbo than adolescence? 

— 2 years ago
#prose  #lit  #Personal  #teen