‘everyone is a little bit judgmental and don’t try to tell me otherwise. we can’t help it. but that being said, i’m just a small baby. and we are all just small babies. and we grow at different rates and learn at different times and understand the world subjectively, through a lens that no one else will understand. we’ve all experienced our own little hells and our own little heavens. who am i to think myself better than anybody else? i will never know their whole story and they won’t know mine. i like to believe that people are innately good. the circumstances of their lives just change them, give them rougher edges or softer hearts. but no one’s better than another. i had better conversations with homeless people than i have had with some of the people i admire the most. ‘
Today somebody vaguely attractive SMIRKED at me.
in the great and overwhelming novelty of the situation i have concluded …
that this smirk was not one of condescension/mockery but of AFFECTION AND DYSFUNCTIONAL LOVE/DESIRE
"There is real agony and suffering in the world and then there is what the privileged have , and its just funny. Some obscure mix of desire,raw emotion and circumstance makes people wallow in self pity and drag their feet around like glum geniuses. But I suppose it can’t be helped can it ? Fuck it, I should stop trying to think clever things. It is ghastly what your mind comes up with when you’re hungry and sleep-deprived. There are always plenty of un-poetic reasons for things :p"
"Isn’t it awkward and harsh to have to fumble with words in the privacy of your own mind ? To have to shudder and gag to what you’ve become ? It isn’t much to worry about in the worldly sense , but it certainly stabs you a little to know that a gem was willing to care about you - enough to appreciate what you were , the obnoxious vitality of yourself thrust upon them like a death sentence. And you , with your cold little soul gave it but a smile before moving on. I know that asking for honesty is not too much, but it’s rare and lovely when somebody gives you that. And its worse when a long while later the fact smacks you awake. A long while later when all traces of it have turned into ash. My god, I am crazy. I don’t suppose it matters but it does too. I stand by my principle that where the ‘personal’ is concerned no harm can ever come out of truth and sincerity and honesty. So that is what I’m going to be - in love with every little detail of everything and proud to show it. I’m willing to be banal but true. Soggy. That is what we all are where people are concerned. Like a piece of toast that has just been left out in the rain. I think this requires a significant amount of introspection , because what bestial , cruel heart would leave a piece of toast out in the rain in the first place ?"
I hope you all realize that I’m someone who plays Xbox wearing a headset - even though we don’t have Xbox live. Now this makes sense if you’re playing something badass like Call of Duty or Gears of War or EVEN Skyrim, but the only thing I play is Viva Pinata. So I’m just sort of running around planting crops and pretty flowers , with a mouth piece that makes me feel like I have the power to detonate an air strike. I’m JUST saying.
At about 3am last night , when the electricity decided to leave us , as it so often does in this blessed country , I mustered up the courage to finally write something. I’ve been whinging about my supposed emotional bankruptcy/writers block for a while now , but we all know that it’s just self doubt with a fancy name , so I’ve vowed to change my life again (which , let’s be honest here , I do about thirty times a week). Anyway , I’ve sort of begun a short-story/prose/tiny-novel type thingy which is very muddled up right now , but will make sense and cling together … eventually. The thing is , I’ve reached that pinnacle of existence where I’m no longer afraid to suck , and frankly nobody’s going to see it except tumblr folk , who are the kindest , freakiest strangers I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. What I’ve really been trying to say is , just bear with my ramblings for some time :p
Lots of twisted oven glove love
Spontaneous , Reckless , Senseless Ramblings
There’s nothing as unbearable as deliberate silence , like stale air , or like the danger of empty rooms its mere existence is for the purpose of mockery. Lethal yet noiseless, seeping into the contours of our senses which by no means , dare to hold back and accentuate the sentiment to ludicrous extremes. And it is because of this utterly dysfunctional habit that we are human – it is because of our tremendous capability for self delusion that we manage to keep up. But oddly enough , I have a soft spot inside of me for delusion , for I welcome it with open arms. Delusion is the everlasting magical filter , the misty veil set before glittering eyes and I suppose to some extent , a catalyst for creativity. Delusion is precarious , volatile , unpredictable … and that’s why I’m in love with it. I don’t like things to be definite, I abhor solidity – I like the relative , I prefer derangement , I long to live in limbo – where time is still , where the world itself pauses in its tilt – because limbo is awkwardly infinite , and so am I. Adults often say with that smug , conceited grin how teenagers think they’re invincible , but that’s because we are. ‘’Like all other forms of energy we can be neither destroyed nor created’’. But mostly because adolescence is a wonderful nightmare – and what more apt a place for limbo than adolescence?
Needless Verbosity ? I think NOT.
Sometimes , I like to venture out of the ever-present cave of self-delusion and jolt back into reality (which - let’s be clear here- is WAY too overrated , It’s as if we’re only skeptical because that’s the new trendy thing to be). This usually happens when being lost in thought starts to take on the appearance of delirium rather than reflection. But let me get to the point.
This morning a friend of mine enlightened me with a very original perspective on my bipolar-esque personality. She claimed that I was in fact ‘consciously innocent’ as all the hypocritical , hopelessly confused , utterly insignificant drivel that leaks from my brain is just the subliminal mind at work again ^^ I think I sense some abstract reasoning coming into the picture.
Ignoring this new ground-breaking , mind-boggling , breakthrough I went off on my own quest to deduce the origins of my narcissistic , self-indulgent soul and here is what I found ;
1) I am a shallow person (The irony ^^ )
2) I am the Mohammad Ali meets Leonardo DaVinci of self delusion
3) I will die alone with 10 Siamese cats for company
4) Bon Iver’s beard is the meaning of life
That is all. Smiles to you all.